Leading the life of a backpacker means going to the grocery store and buying food like normal people instead of eating out at every meal and spending your life’s savings.
That said, “drinking coconut” caught my eye in the store and it was cheap, so I thought I would give it a go …. Drinking coconut is not quite as magical as it sounds; there is no alcohol in it unless you manage to add some (good luck with that!) However, coconut milk is the latest health craze, and so I dutifully jumped on the bandwagon.
Upon getting drinking coconut “home,” a feat in itself as I bought more food than I could easily carry back to the hostel on foot, I tried to merely cut open the top with a knife as instructed by the label. Instant fail as the first three knives I tried were not sharp enough for the job.
Here are the steps not listed on the label:
1) Get a bigger knife with serrated edges and envision cutting your hand off at the wrist when the coconut invariably slips. Proceed anyway but with caution.
2) Saw, saw, saw, keep sawing, and realize you’re getting nowhere.
3) Recruit help from an Eastern European who will smartly drill hole with knife in one side for drinking and air hole in the other side. Say thank you at least three times.
4) Realize drinking hole is not big enough and simultaneously lament the tasty coconut flesh that will be wasted if the top isn’t cut open. Start sawing again with big knife.
5) Get frustrated and imagine dropping coconut off a cliff; guts splatter every which way when it hits the ground below.
6) Grab another knife, saw for a bit, and feel brief sense of accomplishment when one small piece of coconut top comes off.
7) Keep sawing and once again become frustrated with lack of forward progress.
8) Use newly found Hulk strength to rip top off coconut with index and middle fingers.
9) Pour milk into a mug, kick back with spoon and consume hard-won coconut innards.
10) Five minutes later discover you are sick of drinking coconut milk and didn’t want any more than a scoop or two of coconut flesh. *Sigh* Force it all down anyway.